Causa Guttenberg: Schattenwürfe auf das deutsche Wissenschaftssystem

Dirk Matten, in Düsseldorf promovierter Betriebswirtschaftswissenschaftler und Inhaber des Hewlett-Packard-Lehrstuhls für Corporate Social
Responsibility an der Schulich School of Business der York University in
Toronto, Kanada, hat einen distanzierten Ausblick auf die Causa Guttenberg. Eine solche Optik kann, wie man weiß, der Erkenntnis förderlich sein.

Und so weist Matten in einem lesenswerten Kommentar für Spiegel Online zu Recht darauf hin, dass bei aller Hähme, die ob seines akademischen Vergehens nun auf Herrn zu Guttenberg einprasselt, kaum jemand über die Beihilfe spricht, die das deutsche Wissenschaftssystem in der ganzen Angelegenheit geleistet hat.

Vielleicht sollte man das Exempel Guttenberg nicht nur zum Anstoß nehmen, über Wahrheit und Lüge in der Politik, das Promotionsansinnen von Politikerinnen (wie z.B. Kristina Schröder) und Wirtschaftsführern oder anti-intellektuelle Ressentiments der Bevölkerung zu debattieren. Es wird höchste Zeit, dass auch die Wissenschaft in sich geht: Doktorarbeiten, die von ihren Betreuern benotet, aber vielleicht nicht einmal gelesen werden, Graduiertenschulen, die im eigenen Saft schmoren, Gefälligkeitsgutachten für eigene Schützlinge etc. pp. desavouieren einen in Deutschland erworbenen Doktorgrad wohl nicht weniger als ein ministerielles Plagiat.




Investigative Journalism! I am blowing the whistle and put the dots together on the worldwide espionage at universities by an American Shadow Company. This eBook will cause upheavals of staggering proportions in the classrooms and laboratories of universities. It penetrates the criminal minds of the ruthless Paterson clan, who took over a benighted university supplier by out-maneuvering former stockholders and then turned that company into a globally operating intelligence empire - and into a graveyard for academic freedom. In a fantastic 1950s symbiosis, the gruesome twosome of Paterson Inc. and C.I.A. married to bring home what America historically lacked - scholarship. During the half-century aftermath of World War II, the Paterson Inc. espionage vehicle accomplished its mission - the permanent and worldwide skimming of university research!

The Chief’s Own Private C.I.A.! After the hostile takeover of Paterson Inc., the entrepreneurial Paterson clan transformed the university supplier into a global business and spying organization. Greed, hatred, imperialism and nationalism were the forces that swept ‘Daddy‘ Paterson and later his son, the Chief, into the clandestine arms of the C.I.A.! These interviews with the Chief will plunge You, the reader, into the murk of the abnormal psychology and mind boggling career of W. B. Paterson from whisky besotted taxi driver to Chief-of-university-spies!

‘Deep Throat’ Imitator or Blithering Idiot? The Chief, with a Caligula-like indulgence, sent more whisky gurgling down his throat, smacked his boar-lips, opened his mouth for a long, loud burp - to the tune of the American anthem - and settled some old business with the learned: “University people are late-term abortions who crawl out of classrooms”. The jaw-dropping profanity from the Chief’s uncivil tongue is breath-taking not only in its anatomical crudeness. What’s more, the Chief is refertilizing the American language and that makes him one quotable fella, but unfortunately his juicy oral history is off the record. Walt Blair Paterson’s real name, his official job, his U.S.-whereabouts and the name of his exceptionally evil company were changed and rendered anonymous – to protect me, Your Citizen Journalist, for legal reasons!

Academic World Community fattened wrong Pig! Chief Paterson is the inheritor of American multi-billion dollar conglomerate Paterson Inc., a globally operating university supplier which doubles as a C.I.A. spy contractor! Chief thief Paterson, using Cold War-era spy tactics, has the command over a hidden espionage archipelago [populated with downright mean spies] stretching across the world from university to university. It’s scary, very scary, I said. “Shut up” the Chief explained!

Exiting the Closet! Behavioral science teaches that small changes in a man’s sex-life can have large effects on keeping secrets. Turning his office into a creepy strip bar, unwashed - from snout to tail - Chief Paterson made a lightning quick transition from homoerotic closet-virgin to homosexual piggishness and behaved like an animal on steroids. Let‘s go for a visit to one of the Chief’s great moments – although You, the reader, may feel a little dirty afterwards. C’mon, have a look through the crack between the frame and his office door as the Chief works himself into a sweaty frenzy until he is red in the face, his thinning hair flailing, eyes blinking nervously; occasionally he is mopping sweat from his forehead. Bring It On! Frantically, frenzied, Heaven only knows how he finished it. With an unforgettable swinish groan the semi-naked Olympic wanker collapsed in spastic throes onto the sofa - and a repulsive odour drifted up from him. Eau de Chief! Like a defecating pig with a besotted belly, the semi-obese stinker [with a poor muscle-to-fat ratio] began smearing spilled seeds over his shaved pubic bristles - as if icing on a cake. Observing his small budget jelly-masterpiece and with the corners of his mouth sagging he stammered: ”I manage secret worldwide spying operations at universities and research centers”. The Chief-minister-of-propaganda didn’t understand what ‘secret’ means and so the C.I.A. code of silence was broken – in rich detail – by the practiced horizontal exhibitionist. He held his juice-less balls in one hand, coughed as if testing for hernia, tried to get his soggy undergarments back on and stumbled on his heels in circles. And that‘s the way I got to sit down with the Chief at his coming-out party. Thanks to all voyeurs peering in on the Chief‘s little vulgarity!

Whenever I hear the Name ‘Paterson’ I reach for my Gun! With his pants at half-mast, Chief Paterson wobbled back and forward like a drunken tip-over doll, his jaws loosened by a bottle of whisky. “We are a covert operations contractor for the C.I.A.”. With a disgusting snort, the wham-bam-boozled Chief cleared his nose and throat simultaneously, laughed hysterically in shrieks and hit with his foot a garbage bin across the floor. ”We are kicking academic ass since five decades” he barked with a demagogy usually reserved for Adolf Hitler!

Collateral Spying! In vicious violation of student and professor privacy, Paterson Inc. is giving the C.I.A. globally thousands and thousands of prying eyes and ears on intelligentsia‘s scientific studies and experiments. Paterson‘s goons also perform more personal screening techniques on You, which means you are strip-searched for biographic and biometric information like a criminal. The intrusive frisking by American contract spies involves soul-theft and surveillance of: Your home life, political activities, race, religion, fingerprints, friends, enemies or any failings, sexual preference, travels, bank accounts, pressing needs for money, computer communications, email contents, research activities/ objectives/ and results. These ghastly assaults on privacy and scientific competence entangle You with millions upon millions of innocents in a web of high stakes espionage. “The intelligence we collect flows into a sort of gigantic encyclopaedic software in our computers” bragged the Chief. This is where Paterson’s spies pool their spy-harvest while A) millions of overseas scientists have the results of their scientific labor snatched away by the Chief‘s spies and the loot is then transferred from Paterson‘s storage discs to U.S. humbug factories – I mean, American universities; or B) the C.I.A. dispatches its drones or special operations teams to hunt for ‘high-level’ targets at universities. Chief-Judas didn’t kill anyone. Chief-Judas kills with his treachery!

America‘s espionage at Universities; Organized asymmetrical Combat! The combination of intellectual and high-tech deficits is so dangerous for the U.S., it produces a real witch’s brew, in which America fights fiercely on an enormous scale with legions of trained, well financed contract spies, protected by armed private U.S. security guards - against disadvantaged, open-minded, unsuspecting academicians, scattered at universities around the earth. America‘s cul-de-sac intellectuals need academic emergency medicine, because America‘s annual high-tech trade deficits reached $61 billion in 2008. To predict the needed performance of U.S. science thieves at overseas universities, let‘s use a quantitative macroeconomic model. If Paterson‘s spies steal $1 worth of scientific results, let‘s say in Switzerland, it will produce $1.50 worth of high-tech manufacturing stimulus in America. To salvage its crippled advanced technology industry, the U.S. has to steal about $,00 – You are right: $40 billion worth in high-tech/science from the rest of the world - every year! Paterson’s contract spies steal it one burglary at a time, at YOUR university laboratory or research center!

Whistle-Blowing on vast Conspiracy! In order to stay in business, C.I.A. espionage troopers such as corrupt Paterson Inc. are NOT SUBJECT to America’s Freedom of Information Act! No freedom of information in the so-called ‘land of the free‘, because Americans have to check their freedom at America’s door. An obscure law allows the C.I.A. to block all congressional and public inquiries into the secret files, the budget, the number of cloak-and-dagger agents and the entire power structure of the Pater$on Shadow Company, a ‘valued asset’ for the C.I.A. and the recipient of a vast, dark stream of dollars from a cold blooded U.S. government with very special interests!

Paterson’s University Supplies; Instruments of Betrayal! Paterson Inc. is the world’s largest science thief, stealing every original research-idea and scientific innovation it can find overseas – not to mention thousands of person-years invested. Like spit on academic values and a slap in the face of students and professors , the Paterson spy files are treated as private property by the Chief’s university supplier company. Both the C.I.A. and Paterson Inc. will uphold their secrecy claim over the Paterson Papers similar to the Pentagon Papers, which the U.S. government refuses to declassify. But an outraged academia is ready for answers amidst class cancellations forced by students worldwide to protest the presence of Paterson Inc. on their campus!

Betrayal worthy of Judas! That betrayal went so far that Americans were admired for their intelligence – or was it espionage, plain old theft of intellectual property, a.k.a. academic freeloading? America‘s seedy ‘exceptionalism‘ is the double standard of turning stolen ideas into borrowed academic glory at struggling U.S. universities, who add nothing to science. That kind of mobster cronyism is a perfect match-up with America’s ‘democratic‘ ideals. Scores (one third is my guess) of American university professors ‘Had to Know’ and are profiteering accomplices in this Ponzi scheme of science fraud. Since the burly men from beastly Paterson.cia tilted the global academic playing field in favour of U.S. ’hocus-pocus-scientists’, and if this helps explain America’s unparalleled share of Nobel prizes during that curiously energetic U.S. ’research’ period over the past five decades, synchronized with Paterson’s university espionage history, then so be it!

Putting the Dots together! It’s Morning in America with stunning images of urban decay. The alcoholic Chief had just finished vomiting, suffered from a ferocious hang-over and felt a pathological need for homosexual intercourse. Working in the Chief‘s office was as if coming to a U.S. war-of-aggression zone where sexual degradation, torture and rape flourish. As the homosexually harassed male employee of perverted Chief Paterson I unlocked sinister secrets ripe for a journalistic tour de force. Unlike a Germanic spy on tiptoes, my recordkeeping was interrupted by the Chief’s disgusting demonstrations of affection or while his ungentlemanly hands fondled among my pink boxer-shorts!

Hear no Spy, See no Spy, and Speak no Spy? This is the story of Walt Blair Paterson, whose fictional name has become shorthand for an American era of espionage, greed and deceit around the world. How should the University Enemy No. 1 be treated? Will vigilantes unapologetically identify and expose the predator ‘university supplier’, to which ‘Paterson Inc.’ lent its fictional imprint? Will investigative journalists expose more secret operations by Paterson Inc. and its perverse alcoholic blabbermouth Chief? Will a targeted global boycott of Paterson’s products starve the beast into a low-calorie beggar? Is it time to show a little scissor steel and cut to pieces the Chief‘s commercial products? Will Paterson Inc. end up at the university supplier junkyard – sans Abwrackprämie? Will justice be done and truth prevail, edged-on by this terrifically entertaining book? Nobody knows, but future answers will be absolutely right!

Yours, Truly
Dr. rer. nat. H. R. Goetting